72 hours

Today was a good day. I feel a little better not being on so many meds. I went the whole day without which made for a little bit of pain but a much clearer head. I'd gladly trade one for the other.

Me and Rach just hung out in my room watching Tomb Raider, The 5th Element and Stargate. Good movies. We also consumed about 3 bags of popcorn. Yeesh. Between that, yummy dinner leftovers from my Moms delivered dinner yesterday and the donuts, I may have some issues with weigh in this week. Who says food isn't a comfort?

Anywho, I took some pictures of the flowers Chris gave me (he also brought me a nice card and chocolate ice cream for me and Rachel), but I couldn't get my camera to work correctly. I thought maybe it was me, eyes blurred from the meds and all, but I think it's my camera. Not sure what's up with it. It could be the color of the flowers. They were kind of interesting when I first saw them, but when I combined them into a bouquet, they were really pretty. Bright pink carnations and like...electric blue daisies. At any rate, I think they may have been too bright and oversaturating the photos. Leaving them blurred and undefined. But take my word for it, they were/are pretty and it was a really thoughtful gesture.

I have to say that he is really growing on me. Even when he does the annoying "guy" stuff (you know...the whining and all about me mentality) it sort of makes me chuckle. At least, 9 times out of 10, he realizes when he has said or done something not so good with me, without me having to say anything at all. It takes some maturity to admit your own faults and be able to stand back and be accountable for it. I like that about him. He wants to be a better person, to learn and grow and he knows that it's a continuous process. He's a sweetheart and i feel like we can talk things out, and we do, without it having to be dramatic or emotional. I am finding myself looking forward to when I get to see him again.

Tomorrow, I go back to the Dr. and back to work. The long weekends go even faster.

Oh...and have I ever mentioned how cool it is to wear your boyfriends t-shirt to bed and have it fit like a nightgown? It's really cool. *giggle*

And a Crueller too

Sometimes, those Apple Fritter cravings are more than any one person can withstand. I snuck out of the house (sorta, I got caught) and took my daughter to the bakery this morning. Technically, I am not supposed to drive, but I figured I hadn't had any meds since 8pm last night and I am supposed to bear weight on my knee...so..I went and got some donuts. :P

I did really good yesterday though, for the most part. There is only so much I can stand of laying still. Even if it was just a walk around my little home, wiping down the counters and putting a few dishes away, it felt like I did something.

My family and Chris have been so helpful though. It was nice to feel taken care of. Chris stayed with me on Friday and nearly launched himself out the window of my bedroom, trying to get up in the middle of the night to help me to the restroom. Poor guy, but he was so sweet and made me feel so important. Thankfully, he let me do my duty in private (LOL) but yet was there to help me keep my balance getting to and from. (I was a bit loopy to say the least) My Mom kept me in food (And stitches of the laughing kind) all weekend. It was nice to not have to worry about what or how to make dinner for my baby girl. Thanks Mom XOXO.

All in all, the knee is doing ok. I have elephantitis of the left leg, but I am hoping that the swelling goes down soon. It just makes it hurt more. The Doc said he had to clear a lot more tissue this time and he went in from all angles versus just one side or the other like the last couple of surgeries. It hurt a little more this time than in the past, but maybe that's a good thing. The worse before it's better kind of thing... I am anxious, with this behind me, to get back to the ballroom dancing, the swimming and just being normal and taking off for some fun hiking trips and a time or two at the coast.

Thanks Frenzied for checking in on me! You are so sweet and it feels nice to know someone is wondering :)

Right, so...I am off to see the knee wizard. I hope he can somewhat "fix" it this time. It's my third surgery. Yeesh.

Anywho, I am waiting for my MOm who is taking me to the hospital and I thought I would wish you a good Friday and a Happy Weekend.

Like Donkey Kong

It's Wednesday! Wednesday is a good day. It's the Hump! The summit, in which you can see the weekend's hazy tops in the distance. From here on out, the trek through the muck of a work week is shaded, by this hump we are walking over, and this side of the mountain is all covered with dew and mossy, weekend cometh soon, goodness. (just go with me here)

And for that, and that alone, it's a good day.

I have an umbrella

My weekend was a rushing breath of hot air from the moment I woke up at 6am on Saturday, till about 8pm last night. One thing after another, some fun...some not so. But I can say it was mostly fun. Next weekend, I get to lay around in bed recouperating. I am actually looking forward to having the excuse. Funny thing is, so is Rachel. We have it all planned out. A cool Autumn weekend, laying around in bed, watching movies, sleeping, eating and just being in each others company. I feel like I haven't spent much time with just her, lately. I really miss her and she is growing up so fast. I have to get it where I can.

After my mild mental meltdown regarding my finances, I found out on Saturday that my unpaid for car is in need of some several hundred dollar repair. I just took a big a sigh and thought... < thoughtbubble >Well, that makes sense. When you're down, is when you'll get hit from behind. You just have to remember to put up the bumpers. At least my car is running and can get me from point A to point B.< /thoughtbubble > I am thankful for that and Prayin' for little Angels around the engine till I can get it fixed. And ya know, a bottle of Stop Leak.

Screaming...on the inside.

I was just slapped across the face in the form of a paycheck.

I had a great title but I really can't remember what it was...

"Conversations with Rachel"

Her: "Mom?"

Me: "Yeah?"

Her: "Since I didn't have an Ice Cream Sandwich for dessert last night, can I have it for breakfast?"

Me: "What? No..isn't there anything else you can take for breakfast?"

Her: "No. The cupboard is empty."

Me: "No it's not. But I guess I do need to do some grocery shopping."

Her: "So I can have the Ice Cream Sandwich?"

Me: *sigh* "Yes, but only 'cause I am a really cool Mom like that, instead of making you take this head of lettuce in the crisper."

Yeah, I sent my daughter off to school with nothing but an ice cream sandwich in her belly and a smile on her face. I dropped her off at the bus stop, kissed her good bye and mumbled something to myself about being a horrible Mother.

A week from tomorrow, I go in for some Surgery. I haven't mentioned it, 'cause it isn't really all that serious. Just outpatient stuff for my Knee. But the closer it gets the more I start thinking about the risks. Then the paranoia sets in. I have to "go under" (unless of course I want a spinal tap and stay awake for the thing. HA! Like I wanna see him digging weird tools and knives into my leg?). All the complications that can arise just from that alone. I am putting my life into the hands of some guy with ether and a tube. He controls my breathing for the next 2 hours and decides whether or not I come back to the land of the naturally living. It weirds me out.

And, Chris has decided that I am going to need his constant attention that WHOLE weekend. I told him I would be fine. I'd appreciate it if he wanted to stop by to see how I was but that I can manage on my own. My Mom is going to get me to and from the hospital. But he keeps insisting that he be there to get me water and help me walk...etc...

There is something he needs to learn about me. I don't like be treated as if I am incompetent or needy. I am sure I can manage a glass of water, getting up to go to the bathroom and wiping myself...thanks. I dont' like being fussed over. Well wishes are one thing, ya know like "Hey, I hope you are feeling ok." "Hey, how are you doing?" etc, I am not talking about that, I am talking about if I breathe or stir or moan, he is all over me wondering what's wrong. It drives me nuts. In my mind, I want to be as normal as possible as soon as possible. If he fusses, he is going to make me feel worse about the situation. Call it denial, but I already know what I need to do and not do and I just don't want to be nagged if I should get up out of bed. If he wants to be helpful, then maybe bring over a chicken garlic pizza, pour me a diet Dr. Pepper and watch a movie with me while I doze in and out of my drug induced coma. Then go home and leave me to my ginormous bed and purring kitties.

I suppose I sort of sound like a jerk, I am thankful for his concern and attention but he tends to go to extremes (big dramafied extremes) and I dont' want him to make more out of this than it needs to be. He already thinks that because I don't sleep good some nights that I have some sort of sleeping disorder and should go to one of those clinics. Sheesh...

No pun intended

I am trying to figure out what to wear to work today. I may have to settle on a dress. Dang it. I prefer pants but I am currently down to one pair of nice dress slacks for work (2 pairs of jeans as well but I can't wear jeans to work). And I have used those up so far this week. They need some at home dry cleaning. So what to do? Wear an uncomfortable are my legs showing too much, I have really fat ankles dress? or go for one of the pairs of pants I have that would allow me to fit a pillow in where the butt should be? Why do clothing manufacturers think that all "women of substance" are shorter in stance and larger bringing up the rear? We aren't all round and stuff. We still have bodies and waists and bustlines. Not every bit of the extra goes to the backside. There isn't just one body type whether large or small.

*sigh*

I shouldn't be complaining. But since I can now buy clothing in a regular section of the store, I don't have the funds to do so. At least for myself. Figures. Maybe I should just break out the sewing machine that is sitting in my closet. Ya think?

And here we go..

If you blog, do you ever go back and read what you wrote a year ago? A month? Two years? I did. Some, tonight. Just this time of year, last year. I am so glad that I have my entries. To go back and read what I had written and see what my thoughts were, where I was emotionally, physically...even spiritually. I am not sure, however, if I have advanced much. But I did make myself laugh at some of my words. I was funny, even if it was in my own mind. :P

I think I can still be funny. Sometimes. I just get caught up in "stuff". I.E. work and staying afloat financially and ugh, relationships.

After we went hiking this last Sunday, we stopped at the Goodwill store to look at some stuff to make a costume out of. We found a great outfit for Rach but while we were there, me and Rachel started in on our goofing around. Chris had never seen that before and thought it was great. He was like "Wow! I like you like this." I said "What are you talking about?" He said "I don't know, you are so happy and like a little spitfire. It's cool." I thought...Hmmm aren't I always like this? But I guess not. At least not when I am stressed about the day to day clutter.

I read my entries where I talked about how if a guy went out to lunch with me, then he would find the woman of his dreams shortly thereafter. Chris and I have never gone out to lunch together. Never shared a meal during the noon hour. He has come to my house for lunch, but that doesn't count. It has to be an "outing". I still think it's true. So, I am going to tell him tonight that he can never take me out to lunch. Never. Unless I change my mind about this whole "relationship" thing. Then I will make the reservations. (I am not going to tell him that part) I just don't know still. And when will I know, do you just "know" when someone is right? I mean, my gosh, in the past when I thought someone was right there were so Not right and it was my bad. So, since I don't know and am completely confused at times, does that mean it is right? Is it a good thing to be confused and turned around inside that you don't know where or how far you want this to go?

A Monarch?

He'll be a butterfly next spring. Things can change in a just a season's passing.

I thought it would be great to get out and take some pictures yesterday, so we went for a walk at one of my favorite parks, west of here. It's amazing how much it has changed over the Summer. The girls and I were there at the beginning of Spring. The trails were flooded, all sorts of growth going on and now it was dry, dusty and crawly creatures are scrambling to make their way before snow.

A sweet older German couple, who were speaking thickly in their tongue, asked if we'd like them to take our picture for us. We said sure, but I wondered if he must have thought we were a family.

Our walk was a little short lived since I was hoping to catch some Autumn colors, but all that was there was the remnants of the heat. Rachel seemed a little bored with it anyway.

Chris and I talked, a little. I explained how I felt but that I understood and that I have my own issues I am working on. What counts is that we can come together to talk and work it out. Communication is what is going to decide if we make this relationship work. So, he is going to find a better way to express himself when he gets frustrated or fearful and I am going to listen.